DAY 20- Great Grandma

Jim's Grandma turns 93 today. We went to her party this afternoon. I had a picture from my camera that my sister-in-law requested to print up for Grandma McCrea as a gift. It's of the entire Parker Family (Jim's side) which was taken a month ago at our nephew's high school graduation party. His friend took the shot with my camera so I could be in the picture. There were problems with the image. Feet were cut off (that's not okay with me), to crop it for an 8x10 it would cut too close to the people on the sides, our niece was missing from the group, and to top it all off I was completely dissatisfied with how my shirt looked in the picture (oh, the vanity!)... so yes, I did some editing... about an hour's worth.

Here's the shot after my corruption of the "real" image. (Mary was added from another photo that I took of her about a year ago. She's the one in the top row in the middle... and yes, there really was a gap for her, thank goodness!)

I didn't save a copy of the original image, but here's a close duplicate to it:

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Put away that darned laundry.

DAY 19- illusion

I got 5 responses from friends who want photos taken when we visit Seattle. Yay! Why is it that I have so much more interest there than here? I can't seem to figure that one out. Maybe the concentration of portrait photographers isn't as high in that area. It seems there is just too much competition here in SLC. Everyone knows a photographer and one that will work for nothing. Sometimes I really miss living there. It felt so much like a home, with people who wanted me there. Sometimes I wonder if anyone other than family would truly miss me if I moved away from here. I don't think I could ever be appreciated more than when I lived in Washington... or maybe I am now but I just refuse to see it... I'm addicted to self-pity. Yes, I'll admit that. Fine, I know I'm enjoying my life here just the same as in Washington... occasionally complaining, occasionally exaggerating the positive. It's a an illusion in my head... whatever mood I'm in at the moment.

Well... I hope that rant was enjoyed by some. I got a lot out of writing it...

I made weekly budget for my spending. That was kind of fun. Now I have a little piece of paper in my wallet where I can record what I spend on groceries, dining, entertainment, and miscellaneous stuff. I used to get really anxious and stressed about money. About a year ago, my cousin did a hypnosis session with me focusing on it. I'm quite positive that it helped because I don't find myself avoiding my finances like I did before. I actually enjoy it. It's like a game.

I did a photo shoot this evening. Here's a shot from it. I had a good time, this young man was very nice.

That was it for today. At midnight I'll be attending the opening of "Eclipse". Yippee, I can't wait!

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Since I'll be up late I shouldn't have much energy to do a lot, but I will try to take care of the kids. That's enough for a day.

DAY 18- plan some stuff

I'll be taking care of house stuff today and of course the kids. I don't have enough energy to share with other goals so I'll wait until tomorrow. This evening we're taking the kids to the drive-in movies to see Toy Story. I'm excited!

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Email friends in Seattle to see if anyone wants me to do a portrait session during our trip there in August. Balance my checkbook. Make a budget plan. Prepare for photo shoot in the evening. Blog

DAY 17-nothing

It came and went.

DAY 16- nothing

Today was just a day. Tomorrow will be the same, but a Sunday instead of a Saturday.

DAY 15- baby

I had my first appointment for my pregnancy this morning. All went great. I really, really like my CNM. She actually spent an entire 45 minutes with me, talking and asking questions. She was so caring and interested in me. Thank you, Susan, for referring me to her!

I got really nervous when the nurse had a hard time locating the heartbeat through the audio ultrasound. Instead she tried the video ultrasound and we saw the heart beating. I was very relieved.

After the appointment I headed to the theatre to watch Severin and Helene's recitals.

Severin was enrolled in Action Camp and chose to play Mario in their play.

Helene was enrolled in Fairies Camp and chose to not participate in the play, but I got some pictures of her while the class demonstrated some of the games that they played during class.

She was the youngest in the class and I think it was a lot for her to focus for the entire time.

Here's a shot of her from yesterday just before her ballet class.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Relax.

DAY 14- helene is officially 4

Today Helene turns 4. She had her first pre-ballet class this morning. She looked so cute in her darling little leotard. I'll post a picture of her later.

Last week I had Jimmy send my business cards to be printed. When he went to pick them up they were not done and somehow the order got lost. Weird. Anyway, I realized I need to check the size on them before they get printed. So tomorrow I'll double-check and send the order once again.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Double-check size for business cards and resend the order. Blog about something interesting, like my doctor's appointment to hear the baby's heartbeat.

DAY 13- helene's bday party

She turns 4 tomorrow. Pretty girl.

DAY 12- prep for more birthday

Helene's 4th birthday is on Thursday. I'm having a little party for her tomorrow. I'll have a bunch of stuff to prepare for her party but aside from the necessary things I would like to make a goal of taking some good pictures there. So that's tomorrow's goal.

Afternoon: Take pictures during party.

Evening: Blog about it and post some pictures.

DAY 11- birthday

Jim and I went out for a delicious breakfast at Oasis Cafe. I ate the cranberry-walnut-sourdough french toast. It was soooooo good. Go there if you haven't yet. It's one of my favorite restaurants in SLC. We picked up the kids from camp and went home to play the Wii. I took a long nap then we got Moochies (another place you must try) phili-steak sandwiches for dinner. We then took the kids to swimming lessons then ended the day at Leatherby's for ice cream. I had a wonderful day! Thanks for all the birthday wishes.

No goal for tomorrow. I need time to recover from the fun.

DAY 10- Father's Day

We went to church today then afterwards met my dad for lunch. Then we went home for naps and woke later to visit Jim's dad. We ate hamburgers with his family and the kids played with their cousins. Nice day.

No goals for tomorrow, it's my birthday.

DAY 9- day off

Today my mom had me pampered for my birthday which is on Monday, so I'm not making any goals. We had facials this morning then went to breakfast. We saw the movie "Babies" in the afternoon (so cute and interesting!) and then did a little shopping. Then Mom took our kids to her house and tended them while Jim and I went on a date. It was a nice relaxing day. Thanks Mom!

DAY 8- happy birthday, amanda!

MANDY, HAVE I EVER TOLD YOU ALL THE THINGS I LOVE ABOUT YOU?

WELL, HERE IT GOES...

YOU ARE SO CUTE...

AND SNUGGLY...

I ADORE YOUR PASSION FOR MAKING DESSERTS... EVEN IF IT'S ON THE TOILET...

I LOVE YOUR APPRECIATION FOR CARTOON CHARACTERS...

I'VE ALWAYS ADMIRED YOUR BUBBLE-BLOWING SKILLS...

AND YOUR WILLINGNESS TO KICK IT WITH ME AT THE

MOST UNPLEASANT BEACHES...

... AND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ONES...

I LOVE THAT YOU'RE GAME FOR POSING LIKE A "BABOOSHKA" OR MIME

SO I CAN EXERCISE MY LAME CREATIVE SKILLS...

YOUR SWEET SMILE EVEN WHEN I'M NOT KIND...

YOUR HONEST ANNOYANCE WHEN I'M OBNOXIOUS...

YOUR GORGEOUS SMILE WITH GLIMMERING BRACES...

THE WAY YOU CAN KEEP A STRAIGHT FACE WHILE POSING NEXT TO A SUMO BUMB...

YOUR SENSE OF STYLE AND CLASS...

YOUR SILLY AND CARING WAYS WITH NIECES AND NEPHEWS....

YOUR COMFORT WITH BEING WEIRD...

AND YOUR OVERALL SMART, BEAUTIFUL, CURIOUS,

ADVENTUROUS, CARING, GENEROUS, LOVING

YOU.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING THE LAST 30 YEARS OF MY LIFE MORE MEANINGFUL AND JUST PLAIN WONDERFUL. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMANDA!!!

DAY 7- more of the same

Okay, so this brochure project needs more time. I'm struggling to make decisions about the layout. Oh, and Jimmy told me it's not a brochure, it's a flyer, so pardon me. It's just a one page flyer. I'll need his help when he has time. I think I'll move on to something different for tomorrow. This whole "flyer" thingy has me stumped.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Since my sister, Mandy's 30th birthday is tomorrow, maybe I'll focus on that. I unfortunately wont be able to spend it with her since she's in California (dang, I wish I was there!). Maybe I will put together some photos of us from over the years and send it to her. I don't think she'll be checking into my blog before she gets it so it should be a surprise.

DAY 6- brochure

I've made some progress on the brochure, but I think I'll need a few more days to complete it. Here are some of the photos I chose to go on it.

I ended up working on a few other projects also like organizing my computer files and burning CDs to backup my photos. Other than that, I don't feel like writing much else so I'm off to relax.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: More on the commercial brochure then blog about it.

DAY 5- cards done!

Today I had Jim send my business cards for printing.

Here's the design that Jimmy put together for me. I didn't love it, so I didn't use it. In defense of Jim's design skills, he didn't put much time or passion into this. When he gave it to me I laughed and playfully teased him about it's flaws... and he grudgingly defended himself and demanded that I not ask for his help anymore, since I knocked it down. But seriously, even though I don't always like what he does, he gives me ideas that wouldn't come to me without his initial efforts. He suggested this particular photo. I was going to use a different one. I like this one better. Thanks darling, you are very talented!

These are the final cards that I designed and I'm having printed.

My other goal for today was to pull some images for my commercial brochure. I did that and I'll work on it more later this week. I'll post some of the photos that I'm using for the brochure later also. Blogger isn't cooperating with any more uploads for whatever reason.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Continue with my commercial brochure then blog about it.

DAY 4- cards

I refined my business card design. Tomorrow Jimmy (my graphic designer hubby) will send the design to the printer and they should be done by the end of the week. I'm having Jimmy take a look at the design first (while I write) in hopes that he might have some good ideas for changes that could be made before printing. It's funny, Jim doesn't seem to ever agree with my designs. I'm always shocked at his criticism because I happen to think I'm really good a designing even though I'm not schooled. I occasionally critique his designs, but for the most part I think he's really talented and I appreciate his unique style. I'm curious to see if he can tweak my design a little and still keep my style without giving it an overhaul. In that case, I'll have to disregard his advice and go with my gut. Tomorrow I'll post the designs to share.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: I made a new business contact, a web designer who is interested in my commercial photography for referring, etc. She asked me to put a brochure together of my commercial work. I'll get started on that!

I would also like to explore some more ideas for my upcoming portrait project. I'm excited about it. I got a lot of interest, about 20 responses so far. I don't think I can use everyone, but I will certainly try!

Afternoon: Make sure business card prints are ordered. Start collecting commercial photos for brochure. Research to get ideas for photo shoots. Blog about it.

DAY 3- never mind

Who am I kidding? I am not setting any extra goals for Sunday. Sunday needs to be a day of rest and that's exactly what I'm going to do with it. If I so happen to get the urge to sew or whatever, I'll do it at my own leisure without any expectations... and right now, I don't feel like doing anything but play Tetris. So, I'm off...

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Business cards. I've had 2 requests for business cards this month and ran out of the. So it's time to reorder and maybe do some redesign before I do.

Afternoon: Design cards, order, then blog about it.

DAY 2- not so bad

Today it felt easier to reach my goals than it did yesterday. And thank you for the words of support after my anxiety attack. I think it had a lot to do with not having shot any weddings lately and I felt a bit like a failure. I think my new project will help to cure some of those feelings. It's therapeutic to use my talents regularly.

My goal yesterday was to pull more photos for home and send out an email to do free portrait sessions. Check and check. If you didn't get the email, consider yourself included in the invitation! I want to take some portraits in my own creative way and explore different ways to create unique images. I think it will be really fun to try some things I've never done before, and not worry about pleasing a paying customer. So if you want to be apart of it, you gotta be open to whatever I want to do. You'll get a free Photo CD of your images too!

Here are some more cute pictures of my darlings I pulled to display in my home:

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: Sunday is usually my sewing day. So I'm on to a different subject...

Afternoon: Take a before picture then add layer of fabric to bottom of my new skirt so I can wear it and cover my "mo-skivvies". Take an after picture then blog about it.

DAY 1- tears

I woke later than I had hoped this morning. 10:30 am (morning sickness being treated with Unisom Sleep Gels, I have a good excuse). No big deal. After eating cereal and while the kids were entertaining themselves with "Veggie Tales" I went to my computer to check my emails. I got 10 responses about my pregnancy announcement and blog introduction. I got teary reading all of your supportive words. How much easier this is going to be with support from others.

Then I got down to business searching for wedding photos to use for my soon-to-be-updated website. That's when it got tough. I discovered how few photos I have of any weddings, and the ones I have seem dated and simply not good enough. How disappointing. My stomach began to get a hollow, sort of pulling feeling in it. My heart began to race. My inner voice is criticizing myself about the neglect I've given to my business. I pressed on regardless and ended with 15 photos instead of 30. Now I feel overwhelmed, my goal to get good photos will be much more effort than I had hoped.

I moved onto pulling photos for displaying in our home. I found several that I loved. But the anxious feeling only got worse as I thought about how many other photos will be left unused, how getting prints done and deciding how to display them will be a task.

Now I'm in tears... The distance and time of commitment to focus frightens me. My body feels overwhelming anxiety. I can hardly breathe. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking. I want to run away, curl up into fetal position and cry. What's wrong with me?! How pathetic that my own mind can turn a trivial task into a life or death feeling! I'm humiliated at my lack of strength. Go ahead, make your judgments. I deserve them. Stupid, stupid me.

Nevertheless, I'm going to stay the course in hopes it will heal me in the future.

Here are some photos that I really love for displaying at home.

I almost forgot, I need to make plans for tomorrow (and that makes me even more sick to face).

GOAL FOR TOMORROW: (????... breathe... it's okay, just make it simple... cry if you need to... you'll come up with something good... do I continue with my last goal or start on a new one and get back to the other later??!!!... breathe... it's going to be okay...)

1:00pm: Pull more pictures for home display.

1:30pm: Send out email offering free portrait sittings.

2:00pm: blog about it.

Preparing for DAY 1

FOCUS. I seem to have too many things I want out of life, and not enough patience and planning to get them. I just want to do something really meaningful with my time. I'm feeling so unidentified and sick of it! Here I go, one day, one goal at a time.

GOAL FOR TOMORROW:

Preparing to update my Hazel Studio website- may take a few days or weeks. I have a lot of newer photos, plus the site needs a serious redo.

Get some of my photos on the tragically blank walls of my home- will take some decision making and commitment... and maybe some deep breathing and meditation...

9am to 10 am: Prepare to make free time.

10am to 11am: Pull together 30 wedding photos for potential Hazel website use. Pull 10 potential family photos for display at home.

11am to 11:30: Blog about it.