Then I got down to business searching for wedding photos to use for my soon-to-be-updated website. That's when it got tough. I discovered how few photos I have of any weddings, and the ones I have seem dated and simply not good enough. How disappointing. My stomach began to get a hollow, sort of pulling feeling in it. My heart began to race. My inner voice is criticizing myself about the neglect I've given to my business. I pressed on regardless and ended with 15 photos instead of 30. Now I feel overwhelmed, my goal to get good photos will be much more effort than I had hoped.
I moved onto pulling photos for displaying in our home. I found several that I loved. But the anxious feeling only got worse as I thought about how many other photos will be left unused, how getting prints done and deciding how to display them will be a task.
Now I'm in tears... The distance and time of commitment to focus frightens me. My body feels overwhelming anxiety. I can hardly breathe. My heart is racing, my hands are shaking. I want to run away, curl up into fetal position and cry. What's wrong with me?! How pathetic that my own mind can turn a trivial task into a life or death feeling! I'm humiliated at my lack of strength. Go ahead, make your judgments. I deserve them. Stupid, stupid me.
Nevertheless, I'm going to stay the course in hopes it will heal me in the future.
Here are some photos that I really love for displaying at home.
I almost forgot, I need to make plans for tomorrow (and that makes me even more sick to face).
GOAL FOR TOMORROW: (????... breathe... it's okay, just make it simple... cry if you need to... you'll come up with something good... do I continue with my last goal or start on a new one and get back to the other later??!!!... breathe... it's going to be okay...)
1:00pm: Pull more pictures for home display.
1:30pm: Send out email offering free portrait sittings.
2:00pm: blog about it.
Lovely cousin! Don't be so hard on yourself! You don't give yourself enough credit for what you have and are accomplishing. We can certainly be our own worst critics and often to no good end.
ReplyDeleteHere is what I want you to practice:
This relaxation exercise takes only a few minutes to accomplish and should be practiced as often as needed. It is especially helpful any time you are experiencing anxiety or stress. It can also help you fall back asleep should you emerge in the middle of the night. DO NOT practice this exercise when you are driving.
1. Sit in a comfortable chair with your back supported, or lie down. Focus your attention effortlessly on a spot opposite you, slightly above eye level. Take three deep breaths slowly. As you inhale your third breath, hold it for three full seconds as you cont backward: 3…..2……1. Close your eyes, exhale, RELAX, RELAX, RELAX, and allow yourself to go into a deep, sound, peaceful rest.
2. You will remain relaxed for approximately 2-3 minutes by counting down slowly from 25 to 1. (Note: it will help if you allow yourself to visualize or imagine each number being written on a chalk board, or shown on a computer, or any way you can experience the numbers, as you count backwards.)
3. When you reach the count of 1 just count forward from 1 to 3 and you will emerge refreshed and alert, ready to go about your business in an energetic way.
I have more too! Be kind to yourself as you are loved and supported from here and afar ;)
Thank you so very much, Diane.
ReplyDeleteWe are always our worst enemies, torturing ourselves with our fears and anxiety. I hear you! It is especially hard to get a grasp on it when hormones are out of whack (pregnancy, postpartum, etc.). I am fighting to get back on top of my emotions after delivering this baby. It's hard! The thing that has helped me most is prayer, faith and taking one step at a time. "Just keep swimming!"
ReplyDeleteBTW, I love the photos you took. You have always been SUCH an AMAZING photographer!!!!!!
We're here cheering for you! xoxo
Poor dear girl! I have no judgments, just encouragement. It's your first day and you're bound to have kinks to work out as you try to be better! You can't always anticipate what might go wrong, and I know it's hard 'cause people like you and me want to control everything we possibly can. As Scarlet O'Hara once said, "Tomorrow is another day." After you go to bed tonight, don't think about today's frustration any more. I love your cousin's relaxation advice. I hope that it helps, and that tomorrow you can start fresh and succeed!
ReplyDelete(And, hey, you did succeed with one of your goals today: you blogged about it! I'm proud of you!)